Communication

Communication is a BIG deal. How you communicate will greatly determine your success in life. The Bible teaches this and it is not hard to see why. James 3:5-6 says,

"Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole person, sets the whole course of his life on fire..."

Poor communication skills can set the whole course of your life on fire! Good communication can also save you from trouble. According to Proverbs 14:3,

"A fool's talk brings a rod to his back, but the lips of the wise protect them."

Now many people think, "Sure, that's true, but I know how to talk. I know I need to be careful about what I say, but what can I really do to get better?" Well, the Bible has a lot to say about communication. Communication is something that God wants us to learn about and work to improve. Think how much time you spent studying math and many other subjects in school that you use little (if at all) in life today. Communication is something you use constantly every day and usually we put little thought into how to get better.

Let me focus on two points in this article. The first is listening, the other is assertive speaking.

Listening

Listening is probably more important in our communication skills than speaking. If we are not good at listening, we will not communicate well. "He who speaks before he hears a matter, it is folly and shame to him," (Proverbs 18:13). Here are some basic tips on listening:

1. Actually listen! Focus on what the other person is saying when they speak, rather than thinking about what you want to say or preparing in your mind what you will say next.

2. Reflect. Briefly summarize what someone has told you in your own words. Make sure that you have understood what they are saying and communicate that you are listening and want to understand.

3. Guard against wrong assumptions. Anytime someone tells us something, we could probably think up 20 or more reasons why they might have said what they said. When we assume that a bad motive is behind someone's speech or actions, communication can go wrong quickly. Always assume the best motive possible.

In a discussion about the new color for the carpet at church, someone might express a different opinion than yours, saying, "I like the blue carpet." Now, what is their motive? You don't know. It may be:
A. They don't want the color to be the one you want. That's because they haven't liked you for sometime and they are tired of you always getting your way in church decisions. They see this as an opportune time to begin to take more control of decisions themselves.
Or,
B. They were married in a church that had blue carpet and they have always liked blue carpet in a church.
We could think of many other possibilities, but you can see how assuming "A" will lead to an escalating conflict. The Bible says,
"Therefore judge nothing before the appointed time; wait till the Lord comes. He will bring to light what is hidden in darkness and will expose the motives of men's hearts. At that time each will receive his praise from God." (1 Corinthians 4:5)
Always assume the best possible motive behind someone's actions.

4. Observe. Although we can't know someone's motives, we can seek to understand their emotions. People generally do not state their emotions with words, but they come through with their body language and the way they say things. Understanding both can help us communicate better. We can use reflection to make sure we have the right understanding of emotions.

Assertive Speaking

When we are listening, we have the opportunity to speak the right way. In our speaking, we all tend to gravitate towards one of two mistakes. A passive speaker wants to avoid conflict. When someone expresses an opinion or perspective that is different from their own, they want to ignore it, especially if it is an emotional issue for them. Their reason is that they "don't want to cause trouble," or "start an argument." For minor issues, this is appropriate. However, if you are upset about something and you continue to hold it in, trouble is not far away.

Ephesians 4:25 says,
"Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all members of one body."
This means that you must speak truthfully, which includes speaking. Refusing to speak because it feels easier to keep quiet is not the loving thing to do. It actually insults others because you are communicating that you don't think someone else cares about your ideas or is unable to listen to a different point of view. If you do keep silent, understand that you need to give up trying to get your way later on. When you try to get your way later on (by talking to other people or simply doing something yourself) you are really escalating a conflict that could have simply been dealt with through conversation.

The other mistake is to become aggressive. You get angry. You may shout or insult the other person. You demand your way. You may do these things subtly, but the other person senses you are ready for a fight.

Ephesians 4:29 says,
"Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen."

Is there another option besides being passive or aggressive? Yes, it is called assertive communication. You state your viewpoint and feelings in a non-judgmental way. Here is a model for how you can do this:

"When you (describe the behavior in a factual, non-judgmental way),
I feel (use a word or two to express your emotions such as "angry")
because (explain exactly how the behavior negatively impacts you)"

So the sentence will look like:
"When you _______ I feel _______ because __________."

For example:
"When you are going to be late getting home from work and you don't call me and let me know, I feel frustrated because I work hard to have dinner ready at the right time for all of us to enjoy a hot meal together."

In the example above, there is no assumption of the other person's motives, just a statement of the facts. A poor example would be, "When you are thoughtless and don't let me know you are going to be late it tells me that you don't care how hard I work to have dinner ready at the right time."

Assertion is really a way to express love. It is not about "getting your way," but about thinking of others. Philippians 2:3-4 says,

"Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others."

If we make statements in a way that shows we are looking at issues from the other person's perspectives (which requires good listening), we always assume the best motives for others, and we are willing to do the hard work of communicating in order to solve problems with assertive statements, we have everything to gain. You may be thinking, "Who does all that?" Exactly. Most of us are poor communicators. Improvement requires overcoming bad habits that we all have. However, change is possible and the benefits are well worth the effort.


Trust the Bible is a weekday radio program that begins at about 8:10 each morning on WDOG 93.5 in Allendale, SC. You can listen to previous programs online here: http://www.fairfaxfbc.org/trust-the-bible.html