Parents and Anger

     The Bible says, "Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord" (Ephesians 6:1). God places the responsibility of teaching children about God and training them to obey Him on parents. Churches and children's ministries can offer some assistance in this, but they cannot do the job. Deuteronomy 6:6 instructs parents to talk about God's commands with children "when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up." That's not exactly something your child's Sunday School teacher can do!

     So, what about anger? Any parent can make a young child obey them by yelling, threatening, or even worse, resorting to physical abuse. Although the child may obey, inwardly they will grow up resenting you. One day, they will be too big to force obedience through intimidation. Your job as a parent is to train their heart to choose right when they are older, not simply force compliance today.

     Anger is something we must deal with as parents. Even if you are not a parent of a child in the home, there are important lessons for you to learn about anger as well. Even if you feel angry when your children disobey you, you can control it. If you frequently get angry at your children and yell, think about this: hopefully, when you are angry at a boss at work you do not talk to them the same way! You see, you can control it. The problem is you feel you can get away with expressing anger towards your children.

     But even more important than controlling anger is addressing the heart issues that cause it. James teaches that outward expressions of sin, such as outbursts of anger, begin with evil desires:

James 1:14-15, 4:1-2 "But each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed. ¹⁵ Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death. 4:1 What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don't they come from your desires that battle within you? ² You want something but don't get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight."

     There are good desires. God has placed us in a position of authority and given us responsibility to teach our children to obey his commands. It is good to desire our children to obey. However, even good desires can lead to sin when they become demands that we will do anything to satisfy. When you are angry with your children (or anyone else), ask yourself, "What desire has become a demand that is now giving birth to sin?" Are you concerned that your child learns to obey God, or are you now demanding that your child obey you? Are you ready to patiently teach and discipline your children for their sake, or are you ready to use any means to get what you want now?

     After answering these questions, dealing with anger will be much the same way that we deal with addictions that was discussed on the program two weeks ago:

1. Call it what it is, sin. Confess your sin to God, and ask him to help you honor him in your behavior. Proverbs 28:13: "Whoever conceals his sins does not prosper, but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy."

2. Get Help from Community. James 5:16:  "Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other." We need a community of other followers of Jesus who can encourage us, pray for us, and teach us how to follow God's commands, including how to overcome anger and anger towards our children. God has created the church for this task. Seek a church and a small group or Sunday School class to help.

3. Cut off the Hand. Matthew 5:29 "If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away." This shows how seriously to take sin. By asking the questions listed above, you can identify the sinful desires or even the good desires that lead to sinful demands and lead to anger. You must identify the root of the problem to solve it.

4. Put On/Put Off Ephesians 4:22-24 "You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self; created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness."
     You need to put off trying to get temporary obedience from your child through force (anger). You also need to put on a plan to teach your children to want to obey you. This should have two components
1. Consistently applied and appropriate punishments for misbehavior. Parents are called to discipline children, but in love, not in anger. Children need boundaries and consistent consequences.
2. Constant verbal instruction. Children need to learn why obedience is important. You can teach them Bible verses that address behavior problems. You can teach them about the life long consequences of not learning obedience. You can teach them about the purpose of life being to serve and glorify God. Remember, Deuteronomy 6 tells parents to teach their children throughout the day.

5. The Holy Spirit. Romans 8:6 "The mind of sinful man is death, but the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace." Ask for the Holy Spirit to help you with anger.

6. Biblical Counseling. Don't be afraid to seek extra guidance in overcoming this problem. A biblical counselor can help you develop a plan of discipline, help you develop the instruction you can give to your children, and help you identify the root problems that are causing you to struggle with anger with your children. It may take an investment of your time- but your children are worth it, and so is the more peaceful home that you may have for years to come. You may also raise children that will be better parents to their children. Free biblical counseling is available at the First Baptist Church of Fairfax. Call 803-632-3228 to set up an appointment.

 Trust the Bible is a weekday radio program that begins at about 8:10 each morning on WDOG 93.5 in Allendale, SC. You can listen to previous programs online here: http://www.fairfaxfbc.org/trust-the-bible.html